fancakesforbreakfast said:
DearAuntie MJ: I’m living at home with my parents, and while I’m very politically
liberal, my dad is the kind of conservative who could have his own show on FOX
news. I’ve asked him repeatedly not to talk about politics around me, because
it makes it hard for me to have a close relationship to him, but he tells me I
shouldn’t get so invested in the conversation. I’ve tried leaving the room when
he starts talking politics, but now my family thinks I’m isolating myself too
much. What can I do?My dear fancakes,
Auntie MJ understands what you are talking about quite well.
She grew up under similar circumstances. She still gets the email forwards. She knows.As an adult,
you get a whole new set of choices about who you want to deal with and how to
do it. When you are a teenager, your home is your home. Your parents are
(probably, though not in all cases) in charge and paying the bills. You are a
family. How do you deal with this when the
calls are coming from inside of the house? And it’s not your phone?First, a disclosure: Auntie MJ is not of the Fox news
persuasion. I am using Fox News as a category because you mentioned it and it
is a vehicle that explicitly states certain views in a fairly consistent
manner. Individual people and even political parties can vary in their stances.
Fox is a mouthpiece with talking points and an editorial style and practice. As
a piece of rhetoric, it is quite a marvel—the news equivalent of a party
magician in a shiny cape doing some close-up magic learned from YouTube and the
back of cereal boxes. Yet, amazingly, people seem to be watching and saying,
“HOW DID A QUARTER ACTUALLY COME OUT OF MY EAR? ARE QUARTERS MADE IN MY EARS?
IS OBAMA MAKING QUARTERS IN MY EARS?” And the magician says, “Yes, it must be
the case that Obama is making quarters in your ears.”It must also be said that all parties and all sides use
rhetoric tricks and techniques. Someone who has a different political leaning
could simply insert the name of a media outlet they assume I must like into the above illustration. I will use the only Latin
quote I know and like and carry around in my head: Quid rides? Mutato nomine de te fabula narratur. “Why do you laugh?
Change the name and the story is told of you.”All sides in any heavy, bombastic argument think the other side has
swallowed a whopper and must be super dumb. This is something we learn
immediately if we ever read the comments on any news article, which we
shouldn’t do but do anyway.*So everything I said in the above paragraph is both
something I believe and the illustration of me falling into the very trap I am
about to suggest should be avoided. Or if these things are impossible to avoid,
you just need to know they’re there and know they’re a trap.So here are my specific tips for living in an ideological game
of Mousetrap.We don’t actually
know what other people are thinking, unless they tell us.Just because someone appears
to hold a certain set of beliefs does not necessarily mean they do. Also, you can’t assume people hold certain views, or
that they subscribe to every single view that we think are part and parcel of
“that kind of person.” So, things may not be all you think they are? Maybe? Leave a space in your mind to be
surprised. I have been surprised by some of the turnarounds in my own family.Okay, but sometimes
people do tell us what they’re thinking, and we can’t quite process it.The discussion in the United States right now
(and many, many other places) is about identity. Racism, homophobia,
xenophobia, the rights of women (and the nature of gender itself). There are
many issues in which religion is used to make laws that change and limit the
rights of others. This is heavy, sticky, tricky stuff. It involves serious
questions about identity, about history, and about the fundamental nature of
right and wrong, about redistribution of power.It’s also not new, none of it. Humankind seems to be in a
pretty constant state of wanting to burn someone or imprison someone or start a
war with someone because they disagree about some matter of what it means to be
human and alive. So much of it boils down to fear. So much of it boils down to
seeing people as other. There’s always a “they” and “they” do things that “we”
don’t do or don’t like and “they” can’t do that.Compassion never fails. Compassion doesn’t mean just “being
nice” or “going along with things” or allowing bad things to happen. I believe
that all these –isms and phobias cause suffering, so the compassionate thing is
to work against those things. How this is done is a matter of intense, ongoing
historical debate. (There have always been moderates and bomb-throwers and
speakers and warriors.)A house is likely too small to contain these kinds of
actions. These things need to play out over a larger field. Having this all
going on in the living room is hard. It doesn’t sound like you are trying to
change the world. It sounds like you are trying to change the channel. I have
been there, and here is something that can work. Ask, politely, if maybe the
topic or actual television channel could be changed, because you find it hard
to have a productive conversation. Then, instead of just going to your room—do
something nice. Take out the garbage. Do the dishes. And don’t do it angrily.
Try to just do them calmly. This shows good faith. Instead of saying “I want
you to do this” and then leaving, you present yourself as a loving and
reasonable person. This may not work from the very first go, but keep at it.
This technique can work and has worked for me. When someone sees that you are
really trying to be kind, they will often be more receptive to what you are
saying.We can love someone
and not want to be them, exactly.People are complicated. People make mistakes. Our families
are our families. We are none of us perfect. I may not always agree with my
family, but I remember that they did not always agree with me, either, and yet
they still loved me unconditionally. Love really does trump all. It doesn’t
mean you have to agree. When something happens at home you really can’t deal
with, look around for a sign of the love. These signs are never as far as you
think. Something you were given. Being tucked into bed when you were small.
Being taken care of when you were sick. I hope these things happened to you. I
bet they did. Think of them for a moment.You are responsible
only for you.We can’t jump on other people until they agree with us. Right
now, you are building yourself and your views. You can channel your frustrations
into good things. Take the time to read and educate yourself. Make yourself
into what you want to be. And realize that these things that annoy you may be the things that spur you to act.
I am almost entirely a product of the annoyances and disagreements that
littered my teenage years! (See any of my rants about my high school. If you
can’t find one, just come over and I will rant about it for a while.) I am very
thankful for these experiences, truly.Chicken noises also
work.My friend H. Krimble used to live with someone in college
that he absolutely could not stand.
Seriously. He couldn’t take it. He used to sit outside the building at night
and stare bleakly at the windows and consider sleeping in the shrubs outside.
Then he discovered that he could just imagine chicken noises whenever the
person started talking. His whole attitude changed! I didn’t think anything
could be that easy, but I tried it and it totally
works. So if you feel something coming for you that you’ve heard before and
really can’t take, run the chicken noises in your head. It makes you happy, and
when you are happy, you can be more compassionate. When you are more
compassionate, you develop stronger relationships. Am I telling you to ignore
things? I am telling you that you may simply have to ignore some things,
especially repeated things or things you can’t change, like the state of the
economy.Sometimes, you just have to do the chicken noises.
I hope this helps. Good luck out there.
Love,
Auntie MJ
* The job of 24 hour news is to engage, inflame, and
alarm. It’s designed to keep people watching. To preserve your sanity, it’s worth learning some rhetorical
devices and fallacies. Here is a great chart of the fallacies, which you can
print out. This will help you understand what kinds of techniques are being
used and see the argumentative forces at work. It gives you something to do
when you are just sitting in front of the computer, quietly steaming.
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